I had garnered little support from those around me.
Most thought I’d never do it. Others, irritated by my constant waffling and those who humoured me, thinking I was in one of my fads. What they didn’t know is that I am quite a determined person, when something feels right, I connect with it emotionally, spiritually then my brain follows with commitment and execution.
I had made a strong start – vocal, determined and bold. I told everyone and anyone that I was not planning on spending any money for a year. With that came an inquisition of myself and what I would spend money on. The audience to my loud waffles were made up of those who got on board and found it (and me) interesting, and those who tried to catch me out with, what they thought were witty smart comments. I thought they were stupid.
The cold sweats began to wear off by March 2019. I had spammed and unsubscribed from all shopping based emails. Decluttering my inbox was a gift in itself! I was seeing the benefits of extra time in my daily routine. I had time to think and do – the only problem was that I had nothing to do. I had spent so much time avoiding my life that it no longer had much productivity and creativity.
I decided to enrol onto a Masters. I had always wanted to undertaken a Level 7 qualification in research. Some minor level googling gave me a course that seemed to fit my needs. Then a conversation with a colleague about clinical supervisor training tingled my taste buds. “You can do it distance and in three modules” said my colleague, “sold!” said I. By May I had signed up to two Level 7 courses, at two different universities at the same time. “I’m sure this will be fine” i kept telling myself and any of my doubters.
Alongside these new beginnings Spring, bought my first lapse. I had gone to work unprepared without lunch. A long unexpected day bought on the kind of hunger pangs that cause you to fantasied about Elizabethan feasts. I gave in and decided my brain needed food. I felt terrible! I felt like a complete failure. I was the embodiment of those who had doubted me. I decided to keep quiet about it – no one needed to know. Was this denial? I’m still not sure.
I decided to put it behind me and that change was necessary. I gave up the need to get my nails done every three weeks and my brows could be reduced from every two months to every four – I’d be fine! I bought a water bottle to travel with and fill up at the free water refills located around the U.K. and put lunch on the spend list instead.
My job role took a turn and i was travelling to London on a frequent basis – lunch was a necessary part of a 14 hour long day. I reminded myself that no spend was not about punishing myself. I was suppose to be freeing my self up to bring forth new things. Make space from creativity. I was seeking to gain find me amongst the all those now unsubscribed from emails. my lapse, was a lesson in forgiving myself. I didn’t need to be all or nothing and I most certainly didn’t need to expose myself to shame and humiliating disappointment of others.
I approached Summer with a new mindset and stronger than before….