Some of my spend list items may seem frivolous at first glance (nails, brows) realistically shouldn’t I have put clothes, alcohol etc. on there?
I began to see this by August 2019. I had held onto to my appearance maintenance for eight months. Spending a lot of my life being victimised for the way I look. I was never “feminine enough” for some voices that still echoed and occupied my head. I decided to ask them to shush for a moment to let me think. I worked out that I didn’t need to have long talons and I could just work hard at keeping my nails in shape myself. I had lots of nail polish – no purchase necessary, winner!
One day I looked through my drawers and found that I could fit what had started out at over hundred items of makeup and skincare to thirty! I had found clothes and outfit combinations I had forgotten I owned. In eight months, I had only bought two pairs of tights because I had snag every single pair I owned. Tights therefore were a necessary purchase.
I had not thrown away a pen, notepad or worn out a pair of shoes. No one noticed what I was wearing and paradoxically I had begun to wear more different clothes!
I began to settle into my no spend pattern, my challenge was Christmas presents for my nearest and dearest and I could begin to feel the nervous sweats of having to spend money. I could feel in myself a growing fear to spend any money and see the number in my account reduce. I was worried that if I started I wouldn’t be able to stop, reminiscent of the years I had spent out of control. In reality I had a period of sustained spending mid-2020. I remembered how well I had taken control in 2019 and the reminder of no credit card bills was enough to get me back on track. My flashbacks had transitioned form desperate avoidance to motivation. I was focused, I knew that I could do it and reaped the benefits.
In a year, I had saved five figure numbers of dosh. I felt like a genius! I had cracked it getting control back into my life. My mind had the open space to be able to think, what next.
Coming into Christmas and New Year 2019 I thought about what else had got smaller over the years without me noticing. I had lost control and what else? A question often encourage of my supervisee’s – be curious, keeping digging into the psyche and see what comes.
I found that I somewhere along the road in my late twenties I had lost a part of me that was bold. Consequentially, I lost my voice. I apologised as soon as I spoke to anyone, I became a frustrated recluse – resentful, angry and disempowered. 2019, had given me control and motivation and now I needed to be brave. To push myself to front stage and speak out.
Where had my voice gone?!
It was a mystery.
So, I decided that in 2020 I would #BeBrave.